I've blown a few things in my day
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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