It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
