I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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