My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
