rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
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