my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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