woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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