I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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