I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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