i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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