drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
