i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
