I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
