So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
