I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
