I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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