Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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