I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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