if i died would you start the facebook group?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
