found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
