You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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