From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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