saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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