god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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