Sorry, I don't speak sober.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
