i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
