It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
