so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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