just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Im part way to drunk.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Randomize
