i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
