the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
The best revenge is premature balding
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize