I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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