doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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