I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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