I am puke
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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