Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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