He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
