just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
