mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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