I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize