and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
