Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Where did you get a picture of my penis
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
