this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
