Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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