Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
