I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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