I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You're a waste of cheezeits
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
