you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
