I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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