I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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