i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
this will be a night to untag.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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