I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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