Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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