guys are only as good as the porn they watch
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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