WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
