if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
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