I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize