remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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