I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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