No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
